Social anxiety... part one?

This isn't really a rant, but it's about something that I hate... and I had a few conversations (over Facebook, private messages on FB and even at work) about the blog I posted about my anxiety, so I'm going to talk about it and about the most prominent symptoms that I display. If you suspect you have a social anxiety problem and you display some of these symptoms, you probably do, so...

Wikipedia (lolololol it's just in the easiest format to go through) has the symptoms laid out in different categories, so I'm going to lay them out that way and talk about the ones I display...

Cognitive:

- "social phobics experience dread over how they will be presented to others."

Yes. I really do. I say that I don't give a fuck about what other people think about me, and for the most part I don't. But the reason I don't care is because I'm generally far too insecure and afraid to even give people the chance to judge me, therefore I'm not generally concerned because I know they haven't gotten the chance to judge me as anything more harsh than the short shy chick who's incapable of looking anyone in the eye.

- The next part is long, so I'll paraphrase and break it into bits instead of quoting directly: The social phobic (I sort of love that term) may be overly self-conscious, overly critical of themselves after activities or have high performance standards. The sufferer tries to create a well-mannered impression but believes they are unable to do so.

Yeah. I dunno if any of you have noticed, but I'm so ridiculously self-conscious that I actually hate myself for it. Seriously. I'm overly critical of myself after situations (I experienced DAYS of self-loathing over the "I'm not lactose intolerant!" remark) and I definitely believe that nobody who ever meets me will ever think that I'm a healthy, well-adjusted person. So... yeah. Fucking hell, I'm blushing and my heart is beating all quickly just from thinking about that STUPID FUCKING COMMENT WHY DID I SAY IT.

- Many times, prior to the potentially anxiety-provoking social situation, sufferers may deliberately go over what could go wrong and how to deal with each unexpected case. After the event, they may have the perception they performed unsatisfactorily. Consequently, they will review anything that may have possibly been abnormal or embarrassing.

See, I always put this symptom down to the fact that I write and have for a very long time. I just figured it was more a desire to shape my own world the way I can shape my world in a story or book than an actual problem. Apparently normal people do not do this. I find this hard to believe. For example, when I say something in class, it literally takes me hours to work up the guts to say it. In seminars, I will do the assigned reading and come to class with ONE thing that I want to say. That's it. I won't think intensely about anything else because it will be a triumph for me to say that one thing. So after I do the reading, I sit there thinking about how I will phrase what I want to say. Then I will slowly start thinking about potential reactions from my classmates and professors. Then I get scared because I think my professor and classmates will think I'm a fucking idiot, and I decide that I don't want to say anything. And then I remember that I want to do well in my classes and that seminar participation is worth a quarter of our grade, and I start hyping myself up to do it again. This usually takes about a week. Then, on the day of the seminar, I focus on nothing else in any of my classes. I think solely about what I will say and what I will say to any potential questions. I never think about what I will say to people who disagree with me because fuck you this is difficult enough already.

Then I get into the seminar. And I don't listen to a single word anyone says. I keep my head down and I draw cubes and triangles and I keep thinking about how I will word what I want to say. Once in a blue moon, I will actually raise my hand to say it. It takes about ten seconds and that is the culmination of a week's work. And I phrase it wrong and sound like an idiot and oh god why am I blushing and stuttering and why is my heart coming out of my chest and everyone thinks I'm so stupid they're all wondering how I even got into this university and my professor thinks I'll never be any kind of historian because I'm an idiot and WHY AM I HERE.

I feel sick just thinking about all of this and I don't think my cheeks will ever return to their normal colour, but okay, onto the next group...

Behavioural:

- "Social anxiety disorder is a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others and fears that he or she may do something or act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing. It exceeds normal "shyness" as it leads to excessive social avoidance and substantial social or occupational impairment. Feared activities may include almost any type of social interaction, especially small groups, dating, parties, talking to strangers, restaurants, etc. Possible physical symptoms include "mind going blank", fast heartbeat, blushing, stomach ache, nausea and gagging."

I don't want people to pay any attention to me. Ever. I don't want to put myself in a situation where people will pay any amount of attention to me that is more than the level of attention required to notice that there is another human being in the vicinity. I don't fear that I will act in a way that is humiliating, I know I will. In the various number of social interactions that I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis, there will be at least one event that is so humiliating that I will not be able to sleep because of it.

For example, yesterday, a lady was buying a bear costume. If the nails aren't painted, I never know if it's a man or a woman because I can't look people in the eye, but yeah, her nails were painted a really garish orange, so... yeah. Anyway, the bear costume. I was folding it up like I normally do, and I was going to ask her if she wanted a bag before I told her that her total was going to be $8.95.

She was talking to some friend she met up with in the line, though, and I stood there waiting for a break in their conversation, hating myself more with each passing second and wishing that I had the courage to actually look at her to get her attention, until I finally managed a meek, "Sorry..."

She stopped talking to her friend right away and said, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry!" and I was automatically even more ill at ease because who is this woman with the garish nail polish and why is she calling me sweetie I don't know her I DON'T KNOW HER and the type of person that will call strangers "sweetie" is a person that really scares me a lot.

I shook my head a bit, still blushing furiously and unable to make eye contact, and I said, "Do you want a bear?"

Yes. I asked her if she wanted a bear because I was so anxious about the whole situation that my brain stopped working and kept focusing on the costume.

And then she laughed, and it was the worst thing ever, and I didn't fall asleep until after three in the morning because of it.



I literally cannot write anymore because the memory of that is making my hands all trembly and cold. More later, if I can manage.