I hate my awkwardness.

This is going to be a different kind of rant, since it's about myself and something I do... but it's also about how people don't respond to my awkwardness correctly.

Obviously.

So Wednesday was just... a really awkward day for me all around. I don't know why. I know I said a couple of weird things, but I'm going to focus on one in particular, and then talk about another one from today.

Okay. So I had gone to the grocery store to get some milk (alone, which I hate doing, but roomie was in class til late and I didn't want to leave it until the next day because I was making cookies and milk was necessary for taste testing purposes after) and I was already all anxious about being alone. I don't know why, but grocery shopping alone is the most awkward thing on the planet for me. I walk in and I just want to shout that I have friends. I can (somewhat) handle shopping for other things alone (like... umm, I dunno, but some stuff, I think...?) but for some reason, grocery shopping alone makes me want to die.

So I was already feeling pretty weird about being there when I walked into Safeway, and my weird feeling intensified as I was walking to the back to grab some milk because my brain managed to convince me that I was the only person shopping alone in there.

I'm sure I wasn't, but when I tried to reason with my brain, I could only remember seeing families or couples or FRIENDS shopping together.

Oh dear god. I was the only person shopping alone in there and I probably looked like such a weirdo with my purse and my giant reusable bag and why had I come here we could have gone a goddamn day without a jug of milk.

And then I remembered that I still had to go through the cashier, and it got worse.

Desperate, I grabbed a little carton of whipped cream (I had also made Jello with fruit in it, so I thought it would be nice to have it on top) to prolong that moment, but in a (fleeting) moment of bravery, I walked up to the express till.

I was in line behind a family, which didn't help, though they were definitely from Newcastle (I have an excellent ear for the various English accents due to my Anglophilia) and it amused me slightly. But then it was my turn.

I saw the cashier give my two items a weird look and I started to panic.

So I decided to try making a joke about it. NOTE: My jokes in socially awkward moments are never funny and they tend to make people really uncomfortable.

"Obviously I'm not lactose intolerant!"

Yes, that is what I said. And then it got worse, because the cashier responded. OH GOD WHY DID SHE DO THAT

"Yeah, lucky you."

I automatically began breaking down that response.

Why did I even say that OH GOD SHE'S PROBABLY LACTOSE INTOLERANT AND I JUST MADE A JOKE ABOUT IT AND THAT'S WHY SHE SAID "LUCKY YOU" AND I'M THE BIGGEST FUCKING DICKHEAD ON THE PLANET I'M BLUSHING SO MUCH THAT I'M GOING TO DIE PLEASE SAVE ME PLEASE LET NOW BE THE MOMENT I GET SMACKED UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER.

I don't need you to tell me that I have an anxiety problem. I'm already quite aware of it, thank you very much.

After that, I kept obsessively thinking about it, and I finally came to the conclusion that she should have tried harder to make conversation with me, because I was obviously so uneasy. That bitch. I should get her fired.

And right now, just reliving that moment is making me want to die, so I'm going to leave the story about my awkwardness from today until later. I just don't want to think about it. My heart's beating all fast and I'm pretty sure I'm blushing.