Bus etiquette.

I never used to have to take the bus, but since I've moved away, I have to take the bus all the time. And do you know what I've realized?

Most people are fucking assholes on the bus.

Here's a list of my least favourite fellow bus patrons.

1. That dickhead who is sitting on the aisle seat when the inside seat is empty, and they won't move to let someone in and they won't move over. I fucking hate this. All of the buses I take are always for really busy routes, and I see this all the time. I just want to slap that asshole (invariably some cocky as shit guy who's sprawled out laughing and texting or some girl who just stares at people, daring them to ask her to move) and say, I get that you feel insecure about your size but MOVE THE FUCK OVER OR GET THE FUCK OUT because you're a rude piece of shit and I hope you die without ever seeing a unicorn.

2. Aggressive old ladies. I don't know if it's just me, but seriously, at least once a day on my various bus trips, some old lady sits next to me, pretty much bodychecking me over when she sits down, and proceeds to beat me with her purse for the duration of the trip. Why do these things happen to me. If I have the fucking NERVE to give her a look, she just glares at me like I'm the worst person ever for giving her a look because she's elderly and can't stand for long and her husband was in the goddamn war and they were poor and she walked five kilometres to school every day and DO I FUCKING THINK MY LIFE IS TOUGH?

3. This one is more a pet peeve for standing. In the mornings, the bus is ALWAYS full when I'm going to class. Even if there are empty seats, I'd rather stand and risk stumbling around like a fucking idiot than sit next to someone that I don't know because what if they need to get off before I'm getting off and then it's all crowded and I can't stand up to let them out but they think I'm just being a dickface and then it's just really bad? Yeah, exactly. I bet you worry about the same thing. Anyway, I hate the asshole on the bus that is standing, wearing a giant backpack. I always seem to end up standing near these assholes. You know, the ones with inner ear problems so that they constantly lean back and press their backpack all up on you and you're like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU KEEPING IN THERE A CORPSE WHY CAN'T I BREATHE. That happened to me this morning and I just wanted to tap him on the shoulder and say excuse me, but the dead babies in your backpack are INHIBITING MY ABILITY TO BREATHE WHAT ARE YOU A DOG FUCKING STAND UP STRAIGHT AND TRY BEING CONSIDERATE OF OTHER PEOPLE ONCE IN A WHILE YOU FUCKING DICKBAG.

4. Any students that are not university students. AKA middle school and high school kids. I can't be objective about what I was like at that age (but I'm sure I was perfectly behaved and fucking awesome), but seriously, kids these days are loud, stupid little toe rags and I would kill every last one of them if I could. You may think that I'm joking because of the Harry Potter-esque insult in there (I belong at Hogwarts, just look at my scarf and tie), but I'm not. I really do hate them and I really do want to kill them. The other day, I had stopped at the grocery store for a few things, and I could tell when the bus was coming up that it was going to be quite full. So I made sure to let this elderly couple get ahead of me in the "line" to get onto the bus, since I'm young and can handle waiting eight minutes for another bus but what if they're in a hurry to use the washroom or take their heart medication? I don't want that on my conscience. Anyway, most of the other people at the stop followed my lead, except these stupid little middle school children, boys and girls (and the girls were all chubby little things wearing leggings as pants WHAT PART OF "THEY AREN'T PANTS" IS SO HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND). They just pushed ahead of them and the elderly couple ended up being left behind, because there were already people in wheelchairs and a couple of older people with walkers so the little elderly man couldn't have gotten on. The bus driver motioned for me to go on, and I went reluctantly because nothing makes me more anxious than a bus full of people that will just stand there and judge me and wonder why I won't make eye contact with anyone, even when I'm getting off the bus and I don't need their judgement.

Anyway, one of the chubby toe rags in leggings was apparently incapable of standing, even with people holding her up and with things to hang on to. Hint: that's what those straps above you on the bar are for. She was standing in front of me and kept crashing into me. She was also a combination asshole, since her GIANT backpack kept trying to push the last breath out of me while she was being loud, pubescent and toe rag-ish. So finally, I got all fed up and I was like, "What are you, a dog? Can you not just stand there, you little toe rag?" or something to that extent. She just turned around and stared at me with her heavy-lidded, overly made up eyes, and I fought the urge to punch her and said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Seriously, I hate you all. The louder and more emo you try to look, the more likely it is that I will snap one day and wring the life out of your fat little neck. I hate you so much. Words can't describe how much I hate all of you little toe rags. I actually hate you more than I hate Nickelback and Simple Plan combined.

5. This one is probably the most irritating, depending on who it is. I fucking hate people who yell on their cell phones on an otherwise quiet bus. This seems to happen to me a lot on my way home from work. I go to the top of the double decker because the bottom is full of drunk people who can't get up the stairs (seriously, it's not even 10 PM on Tuesday. Is your life that terrible?), so I figure that I won't have to sit next to someone if I go upstairs. Invariably, there are people upstairs, usually reading or listening to their iPods, and one idiot talking loudly on their cell phone. Last week, it was some guy telling his buddy about how fucked up he got over the weekend. Apparently the friend was trying to out do super loud douchebag, because he was getting louder and louder and saying, "No, no, man, that's nothing, this weekend I-"

Shut the fuck up. Nobody cares about your conversation, and, frankly, if you're going to be so loud, as a person forced to listen to you (I don't bring my iPod to work) I would rather that you were at least saying something interesting. Your middle school behaviour of bragging about what an alcohol tank you are is irritating, and frankly, I bet I could outdrink you. Talking loudly on your phone on a bus doesn't make you more interesting, it just makes people hate you.

God. Taking a bus is crappy enough without all of these douchebags present.

Would I be considered one of the douchebags? Is "seething midget girl radiating hatred toward everyone on this bus she may kill us all OH GOD" a category on your douchebag bus patrons list?