Have you ever had one of those friends that does things that don't really seem friend-like? I had one of those once, and it took me a really long time to realize that she wasn't my friend at all.
Yesterday, my friend told me about this "friend" she has. A group of them were out for lunch together, and Friend One's Bag of Cunty Dicks had gone along with them. That was the first time most of our other friends had met the Bag of Cunty Dicks (hereafter referred to as BOCD, because it looks funny and because I am lazy today), and they were not impressed. They said the BOCD was abrasive, self-absorbed and catty. They were literally texting me saying that the BOCD (who is a "girl") was pretty much the worst person ever. I paraphrase, of course, but who the fuck are you to tell me what to say on my blog? That's what I thought. :)
Anyway, when they were leaving to pay the bill, the BOCD decided to be really "funny" and "witty" and "outrageously hilarious" by reenacting a scene that involved Friend One. In a very bitchy fashion, in front of their waiter. Friend One was completely mortified and left a message on my answering machine where she talked about how she wanted to kill the BOCD.
I, of course, was furious upon hearing about this. I dislike the girl for many reasons (despite the fact that I've not met her). I think she's bitchy, disingenuous, jealous, rude and sadly lacking in any concept of what a proper friendship is.
My friends and I make fun of each other a lot. For me, the way I grew up has a lot to do with that. My dad shows affection in strange ways, and he's more likely to insult people he cares about than he is to actually admit he cares about them. I happened to pick up this (un?)fortunate trait from him. So I know that sometimes it's hilarious to poke fun at people. But not about something that personal, not in front of a stranger and not in front of people that you just fucking met.
In short, I want Friend One to stop being friends with the BOCD, because the BOCD is not a real friend. She sounds (to me, anyway, and of course my judgement isn't binding or always correct... it almost always is, though. I can't help being awesome) like a convenience friend. A really disingenuous, hateful convenience friend.
And I fucking hate those.
So: I sentence the Bag of Cunty Dicks to death by us beating the shit out of her. I feel that this judgement is fair and impartial, given that we unanimously do not like her. An alternate decision would be slapping her until her neck broke, but we do not have the time for this.
